Down in a hole

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"Bury me softly in this womb 
I give this part of me for you 
Sand rains down and here I sit 
Holding rare flowers 
In a tomb, in bloom 

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved 
See my heart I decorate it like a grave 
You don't understand who they thought 
I was supposed to be 
Look at me now a man 
Who won't let himself be 

Down in a hole, feelin' so small 
Down in a hole, losin' my soul 
I'd like to fly, but my wings have been so denied"

by Alice in Chains
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A year has passed and nothing's changed
I don't want to tell but I think I need to tell
All I want is to live a simple life, yet the life keeps complicating me

I am afraid that the truth may hurt someone but hiding it for so long already hurt myself
Betrayal is a sin only when it's continuous
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me thrice, fuck you!

I don't know if I can be saved
Or, maybe I don't want to be saved
Peacefully gone, with no peace in mind

Don't go changing, to try and please me
but you truly let me down
I said I love you and that's forever
Yet the promise is broken by you

Still I don't know who I can talk to
Who can provide me with a perfect solution
If there's even one
Will you be the one?

Try to be strong, try to be unharmed
Even though the hurt is all around

The hurt is all around

Get me out of this city

Hampton, Virginia or wherever.

Just get me out of this city.

You came here alone, you leave here alone.

As if nothing has ever happened.

Except 23 years has come and gone

You studied, you worked, you got married and you got betrayed.

Just feeling so tired.

Tired of some people in this city or the city itself.

Just get me out of here.

As far as it can be.

One way ticket I'd prefer.

Until I rediscover something worth coming back for.

電影說死後若是下地獄， 就永不得超生，身體與心靈的痛苦將不斷輪迴。但為何我還沒死，就一直承受這種折磨? 人間煉獄真的發生在我身上了!

燃燒吧! 燃燒吧! 求求神把我從內到外燒個乾淨，燒到不見灰燼。如果不能重生，也讓我魂飛魄散的消逝在冥冥之中吧!

I am exactly what I don't want to be. Isn't it sad?

I used to have a fire that can light up the whole plain. Then it reduced to just a fire seed. With wind, it can still fire up pretty fast and well. But now, I only got some harmless sparks. Sparks you can diminish by simply blowing at them.

Should I openly admit that I have failed or continue to do something that will lead me to no where. When is the good timing to concede? Life may be a journey only when you have a pleasant one. If all you feel is torture and dragging pains how can you call it a journey?

What to expect and what to prepare. It already started but where to end?

No one to blame but myself afterward. Sad.

過年

靄靄白雪藏銀兔
撲朔迷離戲白虎
臘月將盡又一冬
期盼來年滿春風

讓我開始做夢吧.

感受夢裡從金字塔頂端往下掉的快感.
感受夢裡時速120英哩下急轉彎迎面撞上一面巨牆的粉碎.
感受夢裡被鬼魅追逐卻無止境的在迴轉梯逃跑的驚恐.
感受夢裡欲從不到一個身寬的小洞鑽過的窒息.
感受夢裡被困在一座荒廢的防空洞走不出去的焦慮.
感受夢裡對父親一語不發的困惑與無奈.

然後, 不要醒來...

Who's going to end this never-ending sad story?

This world will never hear my voice because I will never be able to say what's going on in my world. Can I just leave everything behind and not care the consequence? Help me God.

Someone please shoot me!

Like father, like son

Not quite. My dad died 22 years ago due to a homicide while trying to intervene an argument between a fucking bastard and his in-laws in west San Jose. My mom was standing right beside him and witnessed eveything. Then I was just a sophomore struggling in the very first relationship and my dad had already been away for more than 5 yers.

I don't know if that's one of the reasons that I have been staying in New York for so long. What do I want to prove? And to whom? Just so I can establish myself in US with a beautiful wife? Is this so called an "American dream"? Or somehow subconsciously, I want to complete a full circle that my dad was unable to do?

Questions: What's the circle? How big is it? When enough will be actually enough?Is it time to pack and move back to my home country? What kind of life will I want to lead if I go back? Not city life, I'd say.

If my dad were still alive, he would've been 76 years old. Would he have retired and moved back to Taiwan also? Is that what he planned to do but never was able to accomplish.

What am I still waiting for?

fucked up!

反正本來就跟孤兒一樣. 雖然不是爹不疼, 娘不愛. 這些年來也是這麼熬過來了. 早已習慣所有事情一個人扛, 一個人擔. 興奮委屈都只能冷暖自知. 開心哀傷也只會自行消化. 無從分享. 天真以為婚姻會讓自己沉澱成長, 經過兩個人共同努力會開創新的美好未來. 結果是兩個南垣北徹的好人湊在一起, 造成雙方互傷互毀. 何苦來哉﹗﹖

“流落他鄉做老翁”一句嘲諷的算命用語, 變成是我的宿命. 30歲前叱吒風雲的短褲就好像少年得志一樣, 現在不只不幸, 是大不成﹗感謝那些對我還有某種程度幻想, 認為我可以在學術界闖下一番名號的親朋好友. 真的讓你們失望了.

人過不惑, 心茫如麻. 馬齒徒長, 功名暗然. 真是我的最佳寫照﹗

逝者已矣, 來者迴避. 就這孤獨下去吧....一切都是宿命﹗