Like father, like son

Not quite. My dad died 22 years ago due to a homicide while trying to intervene an argument between a fucking bastard and his in-laws in west San Jose. My mom was standing right beside him and witnessed eveything. Then I was just a sophomore struggling in the very first relationship and my dad had already been away for more than 5 yers.

I don't know if that's one of the reasons that I have been staying in New York for so long. What do I want to prove? And to whom? Just so I can establish myself in US with a beautiful wife? Is this so called an "American dream"? Or somehow subconsciously, I want to complete a full circle that my dad was unable to do?

Questions: What's the circle? How big is it? When enough will be actually enough?Is it time to pack and move back to my home country? What kind of life will I want to lead if I go back? Not city life, I'd say.

If my dad were still alive, he would've been 76 years old. Would he have retired and moved back to Taiwan also? Is that what he planned to do but never was able to accomplish.

What am I still waiting for?

fucked up!

反正本來就跟孤兒一樣. 雖然不是爹不疼, 娘不愛. 這些年來也是這麼熬過來了. 早已習慣所有事情一個人扛, 一個人擔. 興奮委屈都只能冷暖自知. 開心哀傷也只會自行消化. 無從分享. 天真以為婚姻會讓自己沉澱成長, 經過兩個人共同努力會開創新的美好未來. 結果是兩個南垣北徹的好人湊在一起, 造成雙方互傷互毀. 何苦來哉﹗﹖

“流落他鄉做老翁”一句嘲諷的算命用語, 變成是我的宿命. 30歲前叱吒風雲的短褲就好像少年得志一樣, 現在不只不幸, 是大不成﹗感謝那些對我還有某種程度幻想, 認為我可以在學術界闖下一番名號的親朋好友. 真的讓你們失望了.

人過不惑, 心茫如麻. 馬齒徒長, 功名暗然. 真是我的最佳寫照﹗

逝者已矣, 來者迴避. 就這孤獨下去吧....一切都是宿命﹗